Navigating Surrogacy: How Our Journey Tested and Strengthened Our Marriage

From the outside, our relationship appeared unshakeable after 24 years together. Yet, following the devastating experience of our first surrogacy ending in stillbirth, my husband Ethan and I felt isolated within our own lives. Despite our friends seeing us as the “most together couple,” I sensed a growing distance. We were like two ships passing in the night, too absorbed in our individual pain to connect with one another.

We've endured significant trials together, including my battles with endometriosis, adenomyosis, and early menopause. Each condition altered our intimacy and wrecked my career, leaving Ethan in the role of caretaker. After years of undiagnosed symptoms, I had lost much of my fertility, resulting in numerous IVF and IUI failures. Although we faced these difficulties together, we somehow managed to keep our spirits up—until we decided to pursue surrogacy.

Choosing to utilize an egg donor and a surrogate was a compromise for us. Mother's instinctually ambivalent, I began to feel warmth at the idea of sharing parenthood with Ethan, while I longed for a hysterectomy due to my health issues. However, Ethan wanted desperately to become a father. Neither of us wanted to expose my health to more hormonal treatments or the heartache of further pregnancy losses. Initially, deciding on surrogacy seemed liberating, but we had no idea how this journey would challenge our marriage.

We soon learned that navigating surrogacy was more complex than just finding a surrogate; it brought imposing stressors into our relationship. Here are three lessons and mistakes we encountered that nearly led to the collapse of our marriage.

Red Flags: Ignoring What We Saw

During our first surrogacy experience, we unwittingly placed ourselves in a precarious situation by entrusting an agency with our future while overlooking numerous red flags. Their questionable reputation became evident as the process unfolded, but we were too caught up in our vulnerability and the hope of becoming parents to heed our instincts. The agency had a history of fraudulent practices, but we were too desperate for success to recognize the risks involved.

Instead of discussing our concerns, we bottled them up. I carried my apprehensions alone, feeling increasingly alienated from Ethan during appointments and interactions with the agency. This internal struggle came to a head at an ultrasound appointment where Ethan comfortably engaged with our active baby on the screen while I struggled to even be present. The emotional toll weighed heavy as I navigated a pregnancy that felt distant, both physically and emotionally, and I began to resent the disconnect we shared during such a pivotal time in our lives.

Unequal Burdens: Struggling to Co-Lead

Throughout the surrogacy process, Ethan unknowingly allowed me to shoulder the bulk of the communication and logistics. While he aimed to be supportive, I ended up feeling overwhelmed and isolated from the very partner I needed most during this trying time. I took on the responsibility of liaising with our surrogate and the agency, leaving me vulnerable and resentful. Although he appreciated my efforts, his failure to actively participate in discussions exacerbated my feelings of stress and isolation.

Another source of friction stemmed from our diverging coping strategies. I leaned into the grief of our stillborn child, while Ethan preferred to compartmentalize his emotions. Our different approaches were not inherently wrong, yet they led to an inability to connect on a deeper emotional level. Rather than supporting one another through our grief, we started to argue, creating a rift in our long-standing relationship.

From Grief to Growth: Finding Common Ground

Faced with these challenges, we knew we had to make significant changes. After enduring the pain of our first surrogacy experience, we sought a different agency that emphasized ethics and transparency. This time, we shared our grief journey alongside our surrogate and found strength in vulnerability rather than isolation. Our conversations became genuine exchanges, filled with happiness, support, and the complexities of our shared journey.

To foster a healthier dynamic, Ethan began to engage with the difficult elements of the surrogacy process, including legal and financial discussions. By collaborating on challenging tasks, our partnership strengthened. This shift of responsibilities established a more balanced framework, alleviating some of the stress that had previously divided us.

Understanding that grief is a shared experience became essential. When we lost our second baby at the end of the first trimester, we found comfort in mourning as a unit. Open communication allowed us to witness each other's struggles and celebrate each other’s small victories. Ethan became more present for me on difficult days, prompting me to respond to and acknowledge his need for release through social activities.

We also learned the importance of boundaries during this journey. Designating time away from discussing surrogacy allowed us to recharge emotionally. At times, humor offered relief; we would share darkly funny observations to lighten the burdens we carried. Grieving together meant allowing space for our individual grief while meeting in the middle, which rekindled our feelings of connection.

Refocusing on Our Foundation

Surrogacy had unwittingly consumed much of our lives, which prompted us to cultivate our identity outside of our journey. Acknowledging the emotional toll of fertility treatments, I recognized the importance of continuing to nurture my relationship with Ethan and our shared experiences that preceded this tumultuous chapter. We actively focused on creating time for leisure, playfulness, and enjoyment to prevent feelings of resentment from festering.

Rather than fixating solely on the challenges of surrogacy, we made a commitment to enjoy life outside of our struggles. This included setting aside funds for leisure activities—like trips and experiences—rather than solely for surrogacy. We began defining our future by taking care of each present moment, whether that meant taking a walk, sharing a meal, or simply being present with each other. Even now, during the ongoing uncertainty surrounding our next steps, we find solace in simple gestures, offering hugs and affirmation in small, meaningful ways.

In hindsight, I never expected that the journey towards growing our family through surrogacy would test the resilience of our marriage. What we thought would be an easier path turned into one that required profound introspection and adaptation. Yet, these experiences have reshaped how we approach each other—in both joy and grief. While I can’t predict where our journey will lead next, I am confident that the foundation we’ve built will guide us as we continue to navigate these complex waters together.